10 Best Christopher Moltisanti Quotes in ‘The Sopranos,’ Ranked
HBO’s The Sopranos has gone down in history as one of the most iconic drama series that forever changed the world of television. It is a timeless series that, even decades after its controversial finale, continues to gain fans of all ages across the globe and is recognized by many as one of the greatest TV shows of all time. Created by David Chase, James Gandolfini stars as New Jersey mob boss, Tony Soprano, who is faced with having to juggle his unconventional line of work and his image of being an all-American father and husband, while also trying to maintain a low profile with authorities.
Of course, Tony is one of many memorable characters in the series and when it comes to his nephew, Christopher Moltisanti, he’s considered a top-tier player who is essentially a reflection of the mafioso. Played by the incredible Michael Imperioli, Christopher is one of the funniest as well as most tragic characters in The Sopranos who reigns as a favorite for his love of gangster movies and unfiltered comments. With his classic, “I did-ent!” one-liner to his dramatic remark, “I am your soldier, Antonio,” these are the 10 best Christopher Moltisanti quotes in The Sopranos, ranked.
10″This is my corner. You pay anyone but me, I’m coming back for your thumb.”
“Meadowlands” – Season 1, Episode 3
After his mock execution, Christopher’s tough-guy image is jeopardized when word gets around that he soiled himself during the altercation. When Christopher goes to collect from Yo Yo Mendez (Shawn McLean), he makes the mistake of not only mentioning the incident but also telling Christopher that he gave his earnings to one of Uncle Junior’s guys. Christopher ends up doing some serious damage control and makes sure that Mendez knows who he pays.
In season 1, episode 3, ‘Meadowlands,’ Christopher talks the talk and walks the walk when he takes a few swings at Mendez and reminds him of who is in charge with one of the character’s best quotes. Christopher doesn’t mince his words (unless he’s high at Livia’s wake) and his stern warning to Mendez proves that he is capable of being a successful soldier if he actually puts in the work and effort.
9
“I did-dent!”
“Whoever Did This” – Season 4, Episode 9
When Tony and Ralph Cifaretto (Joe Pantoliano) get into a fight, Tony ends up killing him and needs help getting rid of the body. He calls Christopher, who shows up later than Tony had hoped, and as he begins talking to his nephew, he realizes that he’s high. Christopher immediately goes on the defense with excuses, but his initial response to Tony is all he needs to hear to confirm his guilt.
For some reason, Christopher’s line in one of the most rewatchable Sopranos episodes, season 4, episode 9, ‘Whoever Did This,’ is a favorite among fans, who find it to be absolutely hysterical. Whether it be adding a bit of comic relief to a rather gruesome scene or the humor in Christopher realizing the mistake he made getting high without knowing what he was walking into, his shock and inebriated state produces one of the best Chrissy quotes in the series.
8
“Louis Brasi sleeps with the fishes.”
“Pilot” – Season 1, Episode 1
In the pilot episode, Christopher learns there’s an additional bidder for a contract Tony’s after from another criminal organization and seizes the opportunity as his ticket to becoming a made man. He arranges a meeting with one of the guy’s nephews, Emil Kolar (Bruce Smolanoff), under the impression of trying to come to an agreement, but instead, he kills him. While he and Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero (Vincent Pastore) dispose of the body, Christopher explains that he intends to send a message like Virgil Sollozzo in The Godfather, but doesn’t know the correct message.
When Big Pussy corrects Christopher, “LUCA Brasi,” it quickly reveals how Christopher has an inaccurate idea about organized crime in the real world and learns that it isn’t as cinematic as he thinks. Between Christopher’s misconception of how things work and Big Pussy hilariously setting him straight, the quote as well as the scene is easily one of the first and most memorable moments in The Sopranos.
7
“T-Rex in the Garden of Eden? Adam and Eve would be running all the time, scared s***less.”
“The Fleshy Part of the Thigh” – Season 6, Episode 4
While Tony is still recovering in the hospital, he’s visited by Janice Soprano’s ex-boyfriend, Aaron Arkaway (Turk Pipkin), and an evangelical minister, Pastor Bob Brewster (Rod Devaney). After they pray for Tony and his upcoming surgery, Brewster puts in his two cents about Evolution and dinosaurs being nothing but myths, which, despite his religion, Tony respectfully disagrees. Once Aaron and Brewster leave, Christopher is left confused about the rather awkward conversation and Brewster’s opinion.
Christopher has a talent for being incredibly literal at times and his comment in season 6, episode 4, ‘The Fleshy Part of the Thigh,’ leaves a rather comical image in viewers’ minds. While he doesn’t fully grasp Brewster’s opinion of not believing in Evolution, Christopher adds a rather childish viewpoint on the subject that paints a ridiculous, but hilarious image, relieving some of the tension in the room with one of the best quotes.
6
“When you’re bleeding a guy, you don’t squeeze him dry right away.”
“Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist’s Office” – Season 2, Episode 1
When Matthew Bevilaqua (Lillo Brancato) and Sean Gismone (Chris Tardio) beat up a broker for providing genuine investment advice, an angry Tony tells Christopher to take more responsibility for his newly appointed position as well as his new minions. The next day, Chrissy sits down with Bevilaqua and Gismonte and explains the rules of how the scam really works and how to make a hefty profit.
In season 2, episode 1, ‘Guy Walks Into a Psychiatrist’s Office,’ Chrissy uses a mafioso metaphor to explain to Bevilaqua and Gismonte about how patience can lead to a bigger profit in the long run. Ironically, Chrissy isn’t the most patient person, and, similar to his Uncle Tony, he goes against certain rules and expectations that he expects others to follow. Despite his hypocrisy, the quote earns a spot on this list because it gets his point across to “Chip and Dale” in terms they can understand.
5
“You ever feel like nothin’ good was ever going to happen to you?”
“The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti” – Season 1, Episode 8
In season 1, episode 8, ‘The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti,’ Tony and the guys learn that there might be some federal indictments coming and when Christopher doesn’t seem to be a potential target, he questions his mafia career and takes a shot at screenwriting. As he becomes depressed, Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) visits him, and when he notices that Chrissy’s apartment is a mess and his sulking face, he asks him what’s going on, inciting Chrissy to wonder about his life.
This is easily one of the best and most insightful quotes of Christopher’s, which ultimately reveals a vulnerable side to him that most men would keep to themselves. Much like his Uncle Tony, Christopher feels as though, because his father was in this thing, he had to follow in his footsteps, but for this brief moment, viewers see a glimpse at the character’s secret desire to try and be something more than just an unknown local gangster.
4
“I am your soldier, Antonio.”
“College” – Season 1, Episode 5
While Tony is taking Meadow to visit potential colleges, he recognizes a former member of the DiMeo family turned FBI informant, Febby Petrulio (Tony Ray Rossi), at a gas station and becomes obsessed with hunting him down. After Christopher helps Tony confirm Petrulio’s identity, Chrissy offers to come up and take care of it, but Tony tells him to stay put. This prompts Chrissy to proclaim his allegiance to Tony in one of the most melodramatic fashions.
Everyone knows that Tony’s real first name is Anthony, but in one of the series’ best episodes, season 1, episode 5, ‘College,’ Christopher calls him Antonio as a call back to season 1, episode 4, ‘Meadowlands.’ In the episode, Chrissy refers to the classic gangster movie, Scarface, in which Al Pacino plays the violently ruthless, Antonio “Tony” Montana. The quote is intended to serve as a reminder to Tony about Christopher’s unwavering loyalty and desire to prove himself, but it also reminds Tony about Chrissy’s impulsive attitude that could backfire if Tony let him take care of Petrulio.
3
“The highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.”
“Long Term Parking” – Season 5, Episode 12
At the Crazy Horse, Tony and Silvio are in the back office (Steven Van Zandt) discussing the current issue between Tony’s cousin, Tony B. (Steve Buscemi), and Phil Leotardo (Frank Vincent). Christopher enters and prompts Tony to scold him for being late, and considering Chrissy is currently irritated with Tony and his inability to make a decision about Tony B., he replies to him with a sarcastic answer.
What makes Christopher’s quote in season 5, episode 12, ‘Long Term Parking,’ one of the all-time bests is that he’s reciting a line from Bruce Springsteen’s song, Born to Run, in front of Silvio who, in real life, is a member of Springsteen’s E Street band. While the quote is a fitting, subtle nod to The Boss, who is originally from New Jersey, having Van Zandt in the scene just cements his spot on this list as one of Chrissy’s best.
2
“You touch a single f****in’ crust, you’re gonna wish you took that job at McDonald’s!”
“The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti” – Season 1, Episode 8
As rumors of federal indictments begin to swirl, Christopher becomes depressed when he realizes that he most likely isn’t a target and isn’t mentioned in a news program about the local mafia. While others would be happy about not being in the line of fire, the situation takes a toll on Chrissy, who begins to grow tired of being an errand boy for Tony and the guys. When he goes to pick up pastries at a bakery, he’s overlooked by the clerk who ends up on the wrong side of Chrissy’s frustration.
In season 1, episode 8, ‘The Legend of Tennessee Moltisanti,’ Chrissy makes several witty remarks to the bakery clerk and his warning about him helping the other customer before him is just priceless. For some reason, mobsters always have a creative side and know how to sum up their point in a humorous way that, at the same time, also gets the point across that they mean business. Chrissy is one of those characters who always manages to spew out some ridiculous (but impressive) response and this is clearly one of his absolute bests.
1
“I’ll leave you here, you one shoe c***sucker!”
“Pine Barrens” – Season 3, Episode 11
After a mishap with collecting from the Russian, Valery (Vitali Baganov), Christopher and Paulie drive to the Pine Barrens to dispose of his body, but when they arrive, they realize Valery is still alive and manages to escape. While Chrissy and Paulie try to catch him, they lose their way in the woods and become stranded in the frozen wilderness. When Paulie tries calling Tony, Christopher overhears him trying to blame the situation on him.
Season 3, Episode 11, Pine Barrens, is considered to be one of the show’s greatest episodes, mainly because of the comedic banter between Paulie and Christopher. While there are several notable quotes throughout the episode (“his house looked like sh*t”), Christopher’s threat to Paulie and reference to him only having one shoe is perhaps one that leaves viewers rolling with laughter, making it the character’s number one quote.