Christian Grey is a master of the universe — CEO of a massive company at 28, owner of multiple homes and cars, billionaire, boyfriend of a woman who loves him despite the fact that he’s kind of unpleasant — yet throughout the Fifty Shades books told from his point of view, he constantly rails against the things that piss him off. And there are a lot! In Grey, he complained about everything from golf to Detroit to hospitals, and in E.L. James’s latest book, Darker, he’s back at it again. This time, he’s had it up to here with the paparazzi, waiters, children, and just about anything else you can think of. Below, a list of 19 things Christian just can’t stand.
1. Taylor’s composure. “Taylor sits in the driver’s seat, staring straight ahead, wordless, looking his usual composed self, while I can barely breathe. It’s irritating.” This is actually the most offensive line in the entire book because Taylor is a saint among men and Christian should treat him as such.
2. Warm, over-oaked Chardonnay. “I take a quick sip from mine. Christ, it’s disgusting, a warm over-oaked chardonnay.” Guess it can’t all be Sancerre.
3. The paparazzi. “Damned paparazzi. I want to tell him to fuck off but decide to be polite. I don’t want Sam, my publicity guy, dealing with a press complaint.”
4. Polite wait staff. “I enter an obscene tip and sign my name with a flourish. The waiter seems excessively grateful. And it’s still irritating.” You just can’t please this guy.
5. Slow wait staff. “The irritating prick takes too much time opening the bottle. Jesus. Is he trying to entertain us?”
6. Red lipstick. “Back in my outer office, Andrea’s replacement is applying yet more lipstick to her scarlet mouth. I don’t like it.”
7. Condoms. “And how can I be with someone who forgets to take their damned pill? I hate condoms.”
8. Children. “There’s a woman in front of us, trying to wrangle two small children, one of whom is whining incessantly. Jesus. How do people do this?” When they’re as rich you, Christian, they do it with nannies.
9. Assistants that maintain a proper sense of professionalism with their boss. “I hang up, aggravated that I’ve disturbed her on her wedding day and more aggravated that she didn’t tell me she was getting married.”
10. Condoms, again. “Ana. Please. I. Hate. Them.”
11. Guns. “I loathe guns.”
12. Still condoms. “She can be as annoyed as she likes, but she stopped taking her pills. And she knows I hate condoms.”
13. Arguing with Ana. “I hate arguing with her.”
14. People who do the socially acceptable thing and remain silent in elevators. “There’s that irritating, expectant hush within the elevator as my staff enter and exit, because I’m in there.”
15. Women. “The women in my life are vexing.”
16. Birthdays. “I hate birthdays. Well, my birthday.” Don’t lie, dude, you hate everyone’s birthday.
17. Being in the passenger seat. “I don’t like being driven at all, except by Taylor.” And yet he also finds Taylor’s calmness irritating. Dr. Flynn’s really got his work cut out for him.
18. The word “chopper.” “For fuck’s sake, Elliot. I hate the word ‘chopper.'”
19. Condoms, one last time. “I withdraw my hand and reach over for the foil packet. And even though I hate these things, it takes only a second to put on.” For those of you playing along at home, that’s a full four times that Christian rails against condoms in one book. Good thing he has a doctor on call to give his partners birth control shots!
